


Oh I'm A Captive In My Thoughts

by jockjenniferjareau (JRoseW)



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, I guess? lol, Im Sad!!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 18:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13530333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JRoseW/pseuds/jockjenniferjareau
Summary: 'JJ doesn’t mean to obsess over it.'or: jj has so many regrets





	Oh I'm A Captive In My Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so. This really isn't as fleshed out with JJ's what ifs and regrets as i imagined it to be but my criminal minds brain is so rusty i cant even remember everything ANYWAY. also i just wanted to get a fic done so there. i also fudged the timeline a bit? and i cant remember what emily said in the episode exactly so this is extremely messy. please read it though! oh also the title is from the Lucius song "my heart got caught on your sleeve" which is extremely jemily and yes i did listen to it 10 times while writing this

JJ doesn’t mean to obsess over it.

_“If you need anything… Or if you ever want to talk. I’m here for you, you know that?”_ Emily’s words echo in JJ’s head. It’s like a voice that exists just to taunt her, not that not that Emily actually would. She almost laughs, but thinks better of it. Because it’s sort of funny, really, in the way that it absolutely isn’t. How could she even begin to explain to Emily that what had her so wound up inside had everything to do with her. Or rather, them.

It’s raining out. ‘ _Figures_ ’ JJ thinks, with the sort of day she’s had it’s only fitting that it would be pouring outside. She thinks about the errands she needs to do before she goes home. Home to her sons. To her family. To her husband. She grips the steering wheel a bit tighter until her knuckles turn white. It’s already late, what with the latest case taking up the past week and the better half of today (not to mention the paperwork.) Any other day JJ would’ve just went straight home to her family. But today isn’t like every other day.

JJ knows that it’s not healthy to bury your trauma. God, she works as a profiler for the BAU for heaven’s sake. But it’s so easy to do it. At least, that what she keeps telling herself. But it’s days like today where she finds herself in a bind. Old feelings bubbling up to the surface where they’re unwelcome. Old memories of sleepless nights, and lying to everyone she loves to keep them safe.

_“You’re the only person in the whole world who makes me feel like a real person.”_

Emily said that once, a long time ago, when everyone thought she was dead and JJ was one of the few people who knew she wasn’t. JJ had laughed it off at the time, too afraid to take her seriously. Too afraid to say she felt the same way. The rain beats down on her windows outside. The sound is almost calming. Almost.

But it’s too reminiscent of the storm of thoughts going on inside her head. Turmoil over what she had just been told. Of what it meant.

“As of now Agent Emily Prentiss will be put on administrative leave pending investigation. You will be the acting BAU Unit Chief.” Barnes had said to her, just under an hour ago now.

What the hell was she going to do? There was no way she could tell anyone on the team, but they’ll find out soon enough anyway. She could tell Will... She’ll have to tell him, what with her having to put in extra hours because of the change. But the thought of calling him for comfort right now isn’t that appealing. She rests her head on her steering wheel, eyes scrunched shut.

Who she really wants to talk to is Emily, which JJ knows is out of the question.

She wonders if Emily knew what she meant when she said she’d been thinking about ‘what ifs’. If she knew just how many JJ has. JJ wills herself to start the car and drives home. She’s spent too much time thinking about this already.

* * *

By the time JJ gets home, both her sons and Will are asleep. She’s glad, since she doesn’t really feel like talking. But the silence of the house only allows for more contemplation. She quietly slips into the kitchen and pours herself a glass of water, grabbing two advils from the cupboard to stave off her iminent headache.

Her cell phone teases her, placed innocently in front of her. Her hands itch to grab it and dial Emily’s phone number. But she doesn’t trust herself to not spill everything the minute she says hello. JJ is especially adept at hiding how she’s feeling, but not with Emily. Emily, who’s always been able to read her even when she’d tried to put on an mask of indifference.

It’s one of the things that haunts her most. A subject that terrifies her to think about. _What if,_ She thinks about Will, asleep just upstairs, and how he can never tell just how much everything eats away at her. He never mentions the times she’s woken up in a cold sweat from a particularly bad nightmare. She wonders if he even notices.

_That’s not fair,_ JJ reasons, _Will is a good husband and father._ She sips her water gingerly and glances to the fridge, eyeing a photo of Henry and Michael. She loves them so much that it hurts sometimes, to be away so often. And yet JJ won’t leave the BAU, doesn’t think she could even. She thinks about how in the morning she’ll have to tell Will she’ll be home even less now, at least until the internal audit is over. Just the thought makes her sick to her stomach. _What a mess I’m in._

As it turns out, JJ needn’t worry about breaking down and calling Emily afterall. Her phone buzzes with a text from none other than woman she can’t stop thinking about.

**Emily: Are you okay? How did it go with Barnes?**

**Emily: I was serious earlier. If you ever need to talk I’m right here.**

JJ sighs and finishes her glass of water. Moment of truth.

**JJ: I know.**

**JJ: It went -**

JJ pauses. She doesn’t know what to say. She can’t honestly say it went fine but… She can’t really tell Emily why it is she’s upset. She deletes her previous text and settles on a half truth.

**JJ: It was okay. I’ll tell you in the morning.**

Emily responds within seconds:

**Emily: Yikes. Scary words, JJ** **  
** **Emily: Should I be worried? Are you alright?** **  
** **JJ: It’s fine.**

**Emily: ok**

She doesn’t text back, there’s nothing else she can really say. She knows that Emily doesn’t buy it (not that she was even trying to be subtle) but that’s really a problem for tomorrow. JJ checks her watch; 12:17. She’s not ready to sleep, exactly, but she knows she needs to rest. At least before tomorrow. She puts her glass in the sink, finds her way to the couch in her living room, and cries.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so there... i hoped u liked it! i mostly stick to au since i suck at being like. good at canon but i couldnt get jj's sad face out of my head. LET HER AND EMILY BE HAPPY DAMMIT! anyway i like the first half of this more than the second but whatever! please let me know what yall think


End file.
